Jane Austen Mashup

This year, Pemberleans drew names of two Jane Austen characters and wrote a title and short blurb for a book about them.

A Tale of Two Sluts

Mr. Wickham and Isabella Thorpe meet and feel rapturous delight in each other, until they found they were both poor and promptly abandoned each other in search of more financially greener pastures.

Perfection Doubled

General Tilney actually does murder someone, when he and Aunt Norris have the hundredth argument about the best way to oppress young ladies.

The Cromer Affair

In which Mr. John Knightley attempts to convey a wife and five children a distance of one hundred and thirty miles with no greater expense or inconvenience than a distance of forty while at the same time that Mrs. Morland decides to bring her fine family of ten children (although one can shift very well for herself) the journey of seventy miles from Fullerton to Northanger Abbey. This causes a black hole on Book World and an entire mash-up of the two plots. Will Miss Emma Woodhouse be able to re-mis-matchmake all the proper pairs before the well of lost plots collapses into itself? Or will Mr. Henry Tilney charm her into distraction with his gentle, loving mockery of her female book-jumping na´vetÚ? Read on!

A Chance Encounter on Bond Street, London

Mr. Elton meets Robert Ferrars in a jewelry shop. As they exit, Robert F. introduces Mr. E. to his mother. Mr. E. thinks, "Ah - a Lady worth cultivating - money, fine dress, maybe she can advance my in my profession." Mrs. Ferrars thinks, "I must make sure Edward does not enter the church is that is an example of their profession." They exchanged pleasantries - and never meet again.

A Peculiar Persuasion

James Morland becomes Lady Russell's boy-toy after he saves her from a runaway curricle.

The Prince Bride

A youthful Charles Musgrove, recently disappointed in a proposition to a Lady in his own country, looks to town for a bride. He is almost taken in by the mischievous Lt. Chamberlayne, with whom he dances at the militia ball as "Elayne." Charles is saved by a friend, Mr. Darcy, who "abhors disguise of every sort." Following his close call, Charles returns to the country and weds the undesirable younger sister of his first choice, who is, at least, most definitely a woman, even if not quite a lady.

Driving Me Crazy

Mr. Palmer is employed as a driver's test examiner at the local Department of Motor Vehicles. Lydia Bennet is the next student to be tested. As she approaches a hairpin curve in the road, Lydia is suddenly distracted by an entire regiment of officers and is blinded by their regimentals.

Let Alone Half Blood

Mr. John Dashwood attempts to introduce himself to Miss Goddard and place with her his natural daughter in the hopes that she shall marry her off in security.

Cleve to Your Mansfield Land

While on holiday to escape the tedium of Mrs. Willoughby (the Miss Grey that was), John Willoughby falls in love with Maria Bertram Rushworth Bertram. A torrid affair ensues, even though Maria's Aunt Norris disapproves. After Aunt Norris's death (possibly aided by Mr. Perry), Maria and Willoughby use the Norris inheritance (and Mrs. Willoughby's fortune) to run away to Ireland to make their fortune at an exemplary potato farm.

Some verses on "Miss Musgrove and Mr. Rushworth"

"Catch me! Catch me!" cried Louisa
For she dreamed Freddy loved to please her.

But beneath her were no naval breeches
Only declaimers of two and forty speeches.

Down, down she fell, and no one seized her
For sock puppets wouldn't catch young Louisa.

Upholstery Park

Sir Walter Elliot dies from a dog bite inflicted by Pug in defense of his mistress's favorite sofa brocade, which Sir Walter coveted for his new frock coat.

Pride and Pandemonium

Sir William Lucas becomes the first person actively expelled from the Court of St. James when he brings his friend Sir John Middleton for a presentation. In the midst of the presentation, chaos ensues when the bitch of a pointer breaks loose, attacked Princess Caroline, and Sir John's shot goes awry.

The Gruel Wars

In which Mrs. Reynolds tries to convince Mr. Woodhouse to consume something other than gruel and very soft boiled eggs. Mr. Woodhouse refuses. Mrs. Reynolds is insistent. An altercation ensues. It ends only with John Coachman restraining Mrs. Reynolds and Serle promising to cook nothing but gruel for the next month. Mr. Woodhouse agrees not to press charges.

Runaway Pride

Fed up with Mr. Collins's pomposity, Charlotte Lucas Collins flees to Hartfield where she meets a handsome coachman named James. Through the good offices of a local young lady, Charlotte and James purchase a coaching inn which eventually parlays into a string of posthouses.

- Republic of Pemberley -

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